Keep Calm and Ohm On

When I began this blog and life journey back in August, I had every intention of penning my reflections and perspectives on a regular basis.  Obviously, this did not happen.  But, it is a new year and I think this is the perfect time to jump back on this blogging bandwagon.  Life has taken some unexpected turns in the last 3-4 months, some good and some not so great...

A few months ago, I became very ill.  While I have been sick before, I'd never experienced anything like this. In the middle of the night, I found myself wondering if I was dying.  Fear overcame me, and I began to cry uncontrollably.  A thousand thoughts and questions were running through my mind, and I literally cried out and begged God to make me well.  After several minutes of talking out loud to God, I sat in silence...waiting and listening.  A strange sense of calm overcame me, and I could feel God's presence.  I could say it was though He was standing before me; however, I know that I was standing (or kneeling) before Him, at His arms length and He was embracing me, covering me, and giving me strength.  Whatever was plaguing me, I knew I would overcome.  After seeing my internist and a specialist, I underwent a few diagnostic tests as well as two minor procedures.  I now take medicine for a "messed up" GI tract, and I've adjusted to a restricted specialized diet.  This bump in the road made me realize that in reclaiming my life, I needed to not only extend my care, love and attention to my family, friends, and those around me, but also to myself.  I needed to find something for myself that brought me pure joy.  I found this on a yoga mat.

I've taken a few yoga classes here and there over the last 3 years, but my attendance was spotty and my commitment was lacking.  One Thursday night, I decided to challenge myself.  I bypassed my standby gentle yoga class and walked into hot yoga.  I was immediately intimidated as 30 minutes before the class began, several yogis were "warming up" with handstands, chin stands and various other crazy poses.  I started to second guess my decision; I could slip out the back door and ease my way across the studio into the gentle class and no one would be the wiser, right?  No, I would stay.  I would give it the old college try.  If I failed, I could at least say that I'd tried.  I'm so glad that I decided to stay.  While I endured 75 minutes of sweat and agony, I left feeling energized and inspired.

After this class, I decided to join the studio on an unlimited monthly class pass.  For about 3 months, I've attended various classes (restorative, gentle, hatha, and hot, and even a nidra workshop).  I know that I am gaining strength and physical health.  More importantly, this time on my mat gives me mental clarity and an overall sense of patience and gratitude.  This is truly a mind, body and spiritual practice that I have vowed to never give up.  Each moment I spend on my mat I gain strength and confidence, and I learn to love and value myself a bit more.  Yoga is a personal practice and there is no judgment as to your size, shape, age, flexibility, or ability.  It is about finding yourself in your practice right where you are.  Isn't that how life should be?  Shouldn't we know where we are, accept ourselves in each moment, and grow from that point with each breath we take?  While I set an intention at the beginning of each yoga session, my daily intention and mantra has become, "strong body, soft heart, and a vibrant mind".  This is what I'm striving for each day.  While I'm not saying everyone needs to take yoga to be happy (although if you ask me about yoga, I will try to persuade you to try it), I am saying that each of us needs to find something that that not only makes you happy ~ but, something that you are passionate about.  (Thank you again, Kirsten).  You may not find your passion right away and that's okay.  But until you do....keep calm and ohm on.

Namaste~

What Defines Me?

Last night, I was blessed beyond measure by a very honest conversation with a friend who is undergoing chemotherapy for breast cancer.  She has lost an amazing, gorgeous head of long, thick, curly hair, and she began to cry as she told me how hard it has been to lose that part of her.  I told her, “Your hair, that doesn’t define you.  You are so much more than a beautiful head of hair.”  She is a gentle, kind, loving, generous, precious soul who has an inner light that touches you deeply.  We sat and talked, hugged, held hands, laughed and cried together for two hours which was not nearly long enough, and I cannot wait until the next time we are together.  As I was driving home, my heart was on fire and I posed the question to myself, “What defines me?”

As far back as I can remember I know that I have allowed societal expectations and norms to define my self-perceived value and worth.  Some now seem trivial, while others still echo in the back of my mind. I’ve actively participated in the “keeping up with the Joneses” façade at various phases in my life from having the “in” brand of shoes, handbag, and clothing, to larger material possessions such as the car I drive and the homes I’ve purchased.  On the surface, there have been times when I have had it all and been labeled a success.  Yet, I still struggle with believing that I am worthy and deserving of genuine love and happiness.  There is that little voice that tells me, “I’m no one and I’m nothing.”  But I am someone and I am much more than nothing.

I am a wife, a mother, a sister, an aunt, a daughter, a granddaughter, and a friend.  I would consider myself to be a giver, a doer, and a peacemaker.  I’m strong-willed, yet tender and weak.  I’m dedicated, honest, trustworthy, and compassionate.  I’ve been broken and in desperation, and cried until there were no tears left to cry; and I’ve been so full of joy and happiness that I’ve laughed until I’ve lost my breath.  Today, I am content yet unsettled at times and I know this path I’m on will be a defining moment in the ever-changing canvas of me.

Defining moments are those in which we truly begin to author the book of our life.  They give us insight, perception, and knowledge, and they cause us to redefine our life.  I’ve had a few defining moments; however, I’ve experienced missed moments because I’ve conformed to the expectations of others and allowed fear to get in my way.  Now is my time…time to cast my fears aside, time to stop trying to prove my worth by what I achieve, through my possessions, or by the mold others want to place me within.

I am uniquely, wonderfully, and perfectly made, and there is no one else who can be me.  I’m embracing the moments of today!  I hope you do the same and that you let others see your sparkle.

Mid-Life Crisis or a Re-Awakening of Life

While attending a training a few weeks ago, I was asked, “What is your passion?” Sadly, I struggled to answer this seemingly simple question.  At the time, I was a few short weeks from finishing graduate school and my “passion”, or so I thought, was simply to complete my degree.  As a wife, a mom of two teenage boys, and a full-time teacher, grad school was no easy task.  While I was feeling proud of this accomplishment, I sat wondering, “What have I lost or missed along the way?”  I began a conversation with those around me and I heard myself speaking purely from my heart rather than trying to formulate the right answer, or something academically profound.  “My passion,” I said, “is to reclaim my life…to center myself, to reconnect with God, my husband, my children, my family, and my friends.”  I immediately followed this up with, “Is that right?  Is it okay for that to be my passion?”  The next obvious question (quietly to myself this time) was, “Why, as a grown adult, do I feel the need to ask permission to live my life…it is MY life after all!?!” 

Over the next several weeks, I had sporadic moments of questioning and reflection…

• What are my dreams?
• What do others see in me?
• What are my strengths and where do I fall short (yes, I know the latter is a much longer list)?
• Am I at peace with who I am, even in the quiet moments alone?
• What does it mean to be authentically me?

I have a myriad of other questions and thoughts swirling in my mind, and I’m just figuring out how to put the words onto paper in a cohesive manner.  I know writing is not my strong suit; however, I have decided to share this journey with you in order to be transparent along the way.  While this is a place of self-reflection and personal growth, I believe some of my experiences may motivate, encourage, inspire, or uplift another.  I look forward to giving and receiving nourishment in this process.

Perhaps this is a mid-life crisis, but I’d like to consider this life inventory more as a reawakening.  I know life is a journey.  I’m at a place where I no longer want or need to race to the finish line; it’s time enjoy every breath and moment along the way. 

XXOO~

Tracey