What Defines Me?

Last night, I was blessed beyond measure by a very honest conversation with a friend who is undergoing chemotherapy for breast cancer.  She has lost an amazing, gorgeous head of long, thick, curly hair, and she began to cry as she told me how hard it has been to lose that part of her.  I told her, “Your hair, that doesn’t define you.  You are so much more than a beautiful head of hair.”  She is a gentle, kind, loving, generous, precious soul who has an inner light that touches you deeply.  We sat and talked, hugged, held hands, laughed and cried together for two hours which was not nearly long enough, and I cannot wait until the next time we are together.  As I was driving home, my heart was on fire and I posed the question to myself, “What defines me?”

As far back as I can remember I know that I have allowed societal expectations and norms to define my self-perceived value and worth.  Some now seem trivial, while others still echo in the back of my mind. I’ve actively participated in the “keeping up with the Joneses” façade at various phases in my life from having the “in” brand of shoes, handbag, and clothing, to larger material possessions such as the car I drive and the homes I’ve purchased.  On the surface, there have been times when I have had it all and been labeled a success.  Yet, I still struggle with believing that I am worthy and deserving of genuine love and happiness.  There is that little voice that tells me, “I’m no one and I’m nothing.”  But I am someone and I am much more than nothing.

I am a wife, a mother, a sister, an aunt, a daughter, a granddaughter, and a friend.  I would consider myself to be a giver, a doer, and a peacemaker.  I’m strong-willed, yet tender and weak.  I’m dedicated, honest, trustworthy, and compassionate.  I’ve been broken and in desperation, and cried until there were no tears left to cry; and I’ve been so full of joy and happiness that I’ve laughed until I’ve lost my breath.  Today, I am content yet unsettled at times and I know this path I’m on will be a defining moment in the ever-changing canvas of me.

Defining moments are those in which we truly begin to author the book of our life.  They give us insight, perception, and knowledge, and they cause us to redefine our life.  I’ve had a few defining moments; however, I’ve experienced missed moments because I’ve conformed to the expectations of others and allowed fear to get in my way.  Now is my time…time to cast my fears aside, time to stop trying to prove my worth by what I achieve, through my possessions, or by the mold others want to place me within.

I am uniquely, wonderfully, and perfectly made, and there is no one else who can be me.  I’m embracing the moments of today!  I hope you do the same and that you let others see your sparkle.